There are days (like today) when my skin is crawling and my jaw is constantly clenched by dinner time. It’s not because the children are misbehaving. It’s not always stress related. Until recently it was like sensory overload when too many noises are being played in the background simultaneously. Tv, computer, kid toy, conversation. Now physical contact is added to the list as well.
I feel like hiding in the dark quiet closet with my head resting on my knees that are pulled up to my chest. Not in a frantic I’M HAVING AN ANXIETY ATTACK sort of way, not in a depressed sobbing sort of way either. Just a compulsion to crawl in a small, dark, silent space void of any auditory or physical stimulation so that I can have my body to myself. Just for a little while.
Most days I love nursing. I love cuddling with both of my kids. I love Kylie needing an extra snuggle or asking to lay in my lap. In fact, most days I ask for extra hugs and look for opportunities to scoop them up. Then there are days like this one, where I feel almost violated. I can’t remember one moment, until now, when someone wasn’t touching me.
So for dinner tonight I made these foil packets with stuffing, chicken, broccoli, and bacon. I topped Kylie’s and Jason’s with cheddar and a little ranch. I usually rub the chicken breasts with some Cajun seasoning, but tonight I was distracted and forgot.
Kylie bites into her chicken and says, “Mommy, my chicken needs more spicy.” Seriously. My two year old told me dinner was bland.